Saturday, 17 January 2015

Back to Blogging and Update on Life

Hello! Happy New Year!

(For anyone not interested in personal stuff, this post won't be for you. I just need to unload my mind for a few minutes. If anyone has any helpful advice, please get in touch as for some reason I don't want to burden my friends and family with this. The blogging community is friendly and understanding, and I think that's why I feel safe to write about and publish this.)

I haven't blogged now since March last year. SO much has happened since then and quite simply my blog was something that just completely took a back seat while everything was happening. I finished my drama course in July, went home for a much-needed break, came back to London and had my first performing job after leaving DSL.

As well as these, the past couple of months have been pretty tough. At the beginning of November, just after starting rehearsals for my last project, my good friend and previous opera director, Jane, died after battling thyroid cancer. That, on top of struggling with the long rehearsal-days and learning necessary but very difficult new skills, made November very challenging, both physically and emotionally. Then a couple of weeks later (literally the day after my run of performances had finished) I found out that my granny had suddenly taken critically ill and I needed to make the journey home for Christmas earlier than originally planned. I made it home just in time as she died the next day. Since then, things have been very hard. I was at home and basically took on everything. Granny had come to us for Christmas and New Year for as long as I could remember and we knew that she'd have wanted us to try and have a good time, especially for the sake of my niece, Aria. To cut a long story short, it was hard: I exhausted myself out and although granny's funeral was last week, I don't think it's all properly sunk in yet. I'm back in London now and have training and a new money-job (i.e. not a performing job) to look forward to starting, but I still don't feel like I'm back to normal yet. I feel like I'm floating in this limbo between trying to be superficially positive around my friends (so they don't worry about me), staying strong for my family (so they don't worry about me), yet I'm not sleeping, I keep getting headaches and earache and generally feeling like I'm stuck in this place where I'm not happy and not sad. Just kind of numb. I have all these things I want to do - literally a list of things I want to focus on and achieve in 2015 - yet I have no energy or motivation to do them. It's a challenge to pull myself out of bed each morning, and now I'm back in London and don't have thousands of things to do for my family to keep me focussed, I feel kind of lost. Why? What is it? I mean, I understand that grief affects everyone in different ways, but I've always been the strong one with all the energy and focus to keep going with something. It feels horrible and I don't like it.

Anyway, I hope I'll get back to normal blog posts soon, once I've found some inspiration and started feeling normal again. Though that's another thing: before, as I enjoy reading beauty blogs more than any other kind, I tried to write about all that stuff, and didn't really write about stuff which comes more naturally to me, but with everything that's happened, I kind of feel that I'm going to just write about what I want to write about and not care whether people will be interested in it or not. This blog is for me.

Anyway, that's all I want to say right now.

If you've read this all, sorry for the negativity; I just wanted to get it all out of my head.

Have a good weekend.

Wendy x

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Thank you for all your comments, I love getting them! If you fancy getting in touch directly, tweet me @wendy_carr :) x